Mitch Hedberg

I just found out Mitch Hedberg died. That sucks. Truly a funny guy. For those that aren't familiar with him, have some stoner friend of yours read these to you with no emotion.

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• Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus ... one of those two doesn't sound right.
• I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,".............. so it died.
• I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day.
• I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
• A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
• I don't have a girlfriend. I just know this lady who'd be really mad if she heard me say that.
• I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... "don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under "D", for doughnut.
• I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
• If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
• You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...
• I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzaria... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
• You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something.
• I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit.
• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
• I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.
• Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
• I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
• I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide ..."
• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
• One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera ...
• On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at ...
• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
• I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too ... I tried to taste it, but it did not work ...
• I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
• 
  I played golf. I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it, I never got a hole in one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. ... You're supposed to yell 'fore,' but I was way too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
• My lucky number is 4 billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, 4 billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
• I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
• I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
• Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ... simultaneously with two other guys.
• Acid was my favorite drug. When me and my friends would trip on acid, we used to go into the woods, cause there was less of a chance that we'd run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear, that was even more of a buzz-kill. There was my friend Duane, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forrest fires. We got away from the bear, he puts his arm around me and says "Mitchel, Smokey is way more intense in person."
• In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog ...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world.
• When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
• I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said 'Try it with turkey and cheese.' 'Try it with peanut butter.' Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: 'Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz.' I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.
• Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns...
• Once I met this wino and he was eating some grapes and I said "dude, you have to wait".